Etiquette Q: Bridal Shower Invites
Question:
> Basically, yes, our wedding was special, but it wasn’t because *i’m a > princess bride and we control everything* but because our friends honored > us with their presence, and we provided them with a pretty fabulous time,
So what if i’m a Princess Bride and want to spend over $20,000 on our wedding? That doesn’t make me controlling. All it means is that my Fiance and I want an amazing reception where everyone will have great food, lots of drinks, have fun, and do a lot of dancing. And yes, people can do that without spending as much money as we are…….but I want those extra things. My wedding will be special b/c of all the love that will be around us and because of all the wonderful things we have planned for it. And that to me is worth the price tag. Amethyst
Response:
> If it’s just about the memories and the fun and not > about the gifts, then it doesn’t matter whether the party > is a shower (for which gifts are mandatory) or whether it’s > a tea/brunch/luncheon/whatever (for which gifts are not > mandatory and which may be Perfectly Properly hosted by > a close relative). The only argument for having a > shower instead of some other sort of bridal party is > in order to get gifts.
Nearly every single bride gets a bridal shower. And gifts don’t have to cost a fortune. Somebody can make a gift and that item can be more special than if someone spent $100 on something else. Amethyst
Response:
> Nearly every single bride gets a bridal shower.
Brides who have friends who have the time and preference to throw a shower have showers. Brides who have friends who are very busy, or brides who already have housekeeping set up, or brides who think showers are stupid don’t have showers. Brides who have moms who want to throw lunches have lunches. Funny thing, they all end up married, and unless there’s a bridezilla, they’re all pretty happy about how things turned out. > And gifts don’t have to cost a fortune. Somebody > can make a gift and that item can be more special > than if someone spent $100 on something else.
The history of bridal showers is that traditionally, if a girl’s parents couldn’t provide her initial houskeeping basics, a close friend would arrange a party to shower her with gifts to make up for her parents’ inability to provide traditional home basics. This is why if a bride already has housekeeping set up she doesn’t need — or often get — a shower, and it’s why moms don’t throw showers, because showers are symbolicly in lieu of parental gifts.
Response:
> So what if i’m a Princess Bride and want to spend > over $20,000 on our wedding? That doesn’t make > me controlling.
I was actually a little confused about how you claimed it was the most you’d ever spend on anything; you’d rather have a one day party than a house, an education, or — at the rate prices are going — a whole bunch of stuff for any future kids? I just think by going into debt on your wedding you’re starting off with big bills and that’s a lot of stress when you’re making a major life change anyway. What does make you controlling is this idea that it’s okay for your mom to host a shower for you. It’s wonderful for your mom to host a luncheon and play games, and it’s wonderful for your bridesmaids to host a shower and gather gifts, but either way, they do it because they want to, not because you are controlling them or arranging it for them.
Response:
> Nearly every single bride gets a bridal shower. > And gifts don’t have to cost a fortune. Somebody > can make a gift and that item can be more special > than if someone spent $100 on something else.
I had two showers thrown for me, and for neither of them did I ask dictate who could host, where it could be held, how much money it had to cost, what the menu had to be and how "lavish" it had to be. I think attempting to do so is rude and selfish. Nobody is owed a shower. Everyone brought homemade different foods to my "family" shower. Some brought sandwiches, others brought salads, there was a cake and tons of great desserts. It was a lot more memorable eating homemade food and desserts than having some waiter take my order. BTW – I find it odd that salads and sandwiches aren’t acceptable for showers in NYC. Do you hold your showers at night in NYC … because aren’t salads and sandwiches typical luncheon fare? Leslie
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->If it’s just about the memories and the fun and not >about the gifts, then it doesn’t matter whether the party >is a shower (for which gifts are mandatory) or whether it’s >a tea/brunch/luncheon/whatever (for which gifts are not >mandatory and which may be Perfectly Properly hosted by >a close relative). The only argument for having a >shower instead of some other sort of bridal party is >in order to get gifts. > Nearly every single bride gets a bridal shower. > And gifts don’t have to cost a fortune. Somebody > can make a gift and that item can be more special > than if someone spent $100 on something else.
So, are you saying that it really *is* about the gifts? That you would be unwilling for your mother and aunt to call the party a tea instead because a few people might not bring gifts? People who are invited to bridal luncheons (or teas or whatever) often bring gifts anyway, even though they’re not required. The *only* difference it makes when you call it a shower is that people who come to a shower *have* to bring gifts so that everyone can open them during the party. This seems somehow at odds with your reluctance to impose additional costs on your bridesmaids. Why not throw a party where they can share time and fun without being burdened with the expectation of spending more money or time? Any of your friends or relatives who actually *want* to give a gift will still do so. Best wishes, Ericka
Response:
> I know showers aren’t "necessary" But lets face it- > every girl dreams of her wedding day and being a > bride and all that comes with it. I don’t want to miss > out on a shower which will have fun memories of > being with the women i’m closest too.
If it’s just about the memories and the fun and not about the gifts, then it doesn’t matter whether the party is a shower (for which gifts are mandatory) or whether it’s a tea/brunch/luncheon/whatever (for which gifts are not mandatory and which may be Perfectly Properly hosted by a close relative). The only argument for having a shower instead of some other sort of bridal party is in order to get gifts. Best wishes, Ericka
Response:
> Lavish and memorable doesn’t always have to be expensive.
The party sounds DELIGHTFUL. What a creative and wonderful time! The other poster, whose name somehow got cut already, posted > My expectations are definitely > Cinderella-style. I want everything to be lavish and > memorable b/c this will be the only time in my life that > I have a huge event like this. I’ll never be spending this > amount of money on anything again. > Thats my vision and expectation and everybody has > their own unique vision/expectations.
We were married last August and had a 350 person celebration in a park with a FABULOUS caterer, great baker and wonderful entertainment, but I can already think of a bunch of stuff that costs more than that one afternoon. Our house. My college education. And right now, I’m getting quotes from contractors to re-side the house, and I’m pretty sure that’ll come in over our wedding costs — which are pretty much in your budget range. And in future years, I plan on holding other parties and gatherings either in our house or in halls that will probably outdo the per-person amount we put out on the wedding because we love throwing parties for friends and family. Basically, yes, our wedding was special, but it wasn’t because *i’m a princess bride and we control everything* but because our friends honored us with their presence, and we provided them with a pretty fabulous time, and NOW we have a whole ‘nother tax filing option to contend with this week. :^)
Response:
> New York _City_, I trust? > Long Island > We ran into this with reception discussions…it’s perfectly > okay to give a party to the extent you can afford to. > You don’t have to go into debt to meet someone else’s expectations. > Thats true…..I just figure this is a once-in-a-lifetime > event – so we’re going all out even though we’ve taken > out loans to pay for it.
Taking out loans to throw a big party is not wise. > Examine your expectations. What comes with "being a bride"? > My vision of what’s necessary and yours don’t have to match. > Thats true too……some brides want simplicity and an > party. Some get married on a beach, others in a mansion. > Everybody’s different. My expectations are definitely > Cinderella-style. I want everything to be lavish and > memorable b/c this will be the only time in my life that > I have a huge event like this. I’ll never be spending this > amount of money on anything again. > Thats my vision and expectation and everybody has > their own unique vision/expectations.
And you will be paying for it for years to come. This is a bad investment. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You can do that inexpensively, even in New York City. > I’ve priced restaurants – the cheapest one is $30 per plate. > Which would total $1200 for 40 guests. We’re going > with catering and an outside party-tent instead. > Amethyst
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Lavish and memorable doesn’t always have to be expensive. I > just attended a bridesmaids luncheon for my brother’s wife. > (and, btw, mother’s can host that sort of event, that’s another > way around the who hosts the shower problem) > It was held in a neighbor’s house. She set up tables on > a covered porch, lavishly decorated with mixed > china and homegrown flowers. Lunch was ’served’ > by her husband and grown son dressed in formal wear > (which they later wore to the wedding!) We started > with wine and passed appatizers. Lunch was an assortment > of store bought salads, croissants, and deli meat. Dessert > was store bought petit fours and cookies. Everything was > arranged beautifully on an eclectic mix of china that could > have been borrowed. > It couldn’t have cost more than a few hundred dollars and > rivalled anything I could imagine in a club or restaurant for > lavish charm, friendliness and fun.
Actually what you just described is similar to what’s being planned. We are having it in a backyard inside a party-tent w/tables and chairs and we’re arranging to have a catered buffet. Thats saving a lot of money compared to what the restaurants are charging. And this way people can eat and drink as much as they want. Amethyst
Response:
> Hey! Has Jessica returned?
I’m new to this group, don’t know who that is. > On what do you base this? > I live here too and this is totally not the case. As a matter of fact, the > editor of Martha Stewart weddings had a shower in a friend’s apartment. If >I showed up at a shower in my MOH’s beyond messy apartment and my >friends
were sitting there with warm beer and cold pizza, I would still totally >be happy. Because these are my friends. Sure thats great if its just with friends. But I can’t serve pizza and beer to Aunts and Grandparents and other relatives. And even IF my bridesmaids could afford it, I wouldn’t want them to pay for a shower b/c of the other expenses they are incurring. Amethyst
Response:
Lavish and memorable doesn’t always have to be expensive. I just attended a bridesmaids luncheon for my brother’s wife. (and, btw, mother’s can host that sort of event, that’s another way around the who hosts the shower problem) It was held in a neighbor’s house. She set up tables on a covered porch, lavishly decorated with mixed china and homegrown flowers. Lunch was ’served’ by her husband and grown son dressed in formal wear (which they later wore to the wedding!) We started with wine and passed appatizers. Lunch was an assortment of store bought salads, croissants, and deli meat. Dessert was store bought petit fours and cookies. Everything was arranged beautifully on an eclectic mix of china that could have been borrowed. It couldn’t have cost more than a few hundred dollars and rivalled anything I could imagine in a club or restaurant for lavish charm, friendliness and fun. Cheers, Rachel
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> New York _City_, I trust? > Long Island > We ran into this with reception discussions…it’s perfectly > okay to give a party to the extent you can afford to. > You don’t have to go into debt to meet someone else’s expectations. > Thats true…..I just figure this is a once-in-a-lifetime > event – so we’re going all out even though we’ve taken > out loans to pay for it. > Examine your expectations. What comes with "being a bride"? > My vision of what’s necessary and yours don’t have to match. > Thats true too……some brides want simplicity and an > party. Some get married on a beach, others in a mansion. > Everybody’s different. My expectations are definitely > Cinderella-style. I want everything to be lavish and > memorable b/c this will be the only time in my life that > I have a huge event like this. I’ll never be spending this > amount of money on anything again. > Thats my vision and expectation and everybody has > their own unique vision/expectations. > You can do that inexpensively, even in New York City. > I’ve priced restaurants – the cheapest one is $30 per plate. > Which would total $1200 for 40 guests. We’re going > with catering and an outside party-tent instead. > Amethyst
Response:
> I live in New York……where unfortunately sandwhiches > and salads would be unacceptable. People attending > a shower expect a catered meal and drinks (whether its > held at home or in a restaurant).
Hey! Has Jessica returned? On what do you base this? I live here too and this is totally not the case. As a matter of fact, the editor of Martha Stewart weddings had a shower in a friend’s apartment. If I showed up at a shower in my MOH’s beyond messy apartment and my friends were sitting there with warm beer and cold pizza, I would still totally be happy. Because these are my friends.
Response:
> New York _City_, I trust?
Long Island > We ran into this with reception discussions…it’s perfectly > okay to give a party to the extent you can afford to. > You don’t have to go into debt to meet someone else’s expectations.
Thats true…..I just figure this is a once-in-a-lifetime event – so we’re going all out even though we’ve taken out loans to pay for it. > Examine your expectations. What comes with "being a bride"? > My vision of what’s necessary and yours don’t have to match.
Thats true too……some brides want simplicity and an party. Some get married on a beach, others in a mansion. Everybody’s different. My expectations are definitely Cinderella-style. I want everything to be lavish and memorable b/c this will be the only time in my life that I have a huge event like this. I’ll never be spending this amount of money on anything again. Thats my vision and expectation and everybody has their own unique vision/expectations. > You can do that inexpensively, even in New York City.
I’ve priced restaurants – the cheapest one is $30 per plate. Which would total $1200 for 40 guests. We’re going with catering and an outside party-tent instead. Amethyst
Response:
>> I live in New York
New York _City_, I trust? > …..where unfortunately sandwhiches > and salads would be unacceptable.
That would be fine in my community, upstate. > People attending > a shower expect a catered meal and drinks (whether its > held at home or in a restaurant).
We ran into this with reception discussions…it’s perfectly okay to give a party to the extent you can afford to. You don’t have to go into debt to meet someone else’s expectations. >Finally, no one deserves to have a shower. Although it’s nice to have one >(or more), it’s not necessary as part of being a bride and if it doesn’t >work out that you can have one, you’ll still be married at the end of the >process. > I know showers aren’t "necessary" But lets face it- > every girl dreams of her wedding day and being a > bride and all that comes with it.
Examine your expectations. What comes with "being a bride"? My vision of what’s necessary and yours don’t have to match. > I don’t want to miss > out on a shower which will have fun memories of > being with the women i’m closest too.
You can do that inexpensively, even in New York City. — aMAZon "It’s never too late to have a happy childhood."
Response:
> Although you make some good points, the difference between your parents > hosting your wedding and your mother hosting your shower is that one is > expected to bring a gift to a shower.
People have the option not to attend the shower. And the only people attending are family and close friends – none of whom would be judgemental of who’s doing the hosting and paying for the shower. >OTOH, although it is rude not to do > so, one isn’t actually expected to bring a gift to a wedding.
I know no one is expected to bring a gift to a wedding. I dont care if someone can’t afford to buy a gift as long as they can attend and share in the day. >Besides, a > shower need not cost much. The girls can made sandwiches and salads for > lunch along with some punch (all reasonably low cost) and throw it at the > home of the one of the girls. A small floral centerpiece should complete the > expenses. Games (if you want them) can be done at no cost at all. If you > have, say, 20 people at the shower, the entire thing can easily be done for > under $200, which doesn’t work out to much at all when divided between a >few girls.
I live in New York……where unfortunately sandwhiches and salads would be unacceptable. People attending a shower expect a catered meal and drinks (whether its held at home or in a restaurant). And I wouldn’t want to be cheap with my own family and friends by just giving them sandwhiches and salad. And favors are given out at bridal showers which is also an expense. Also I only have one bridesmaid that lives nearby (well 45 min away). The others are out-of-state and out-of-the-country. They already have travel expenses to pay for to attend the wedding, so I wouldnt want them shelling out money for a shower. > Finally, no one deserves to have a shower. Although it’s nice to have one > (or more), it’s not necessary as part of being a bride and if it doesn’t > work out that you can have one, you’ll still be married at the end of the > process.
I know showers aren’t "necessary" But lets face it- every girl dreams of her wedding day and being a bride and all that comes with it. I don’t want to miss out on a shower which will have fun memories of being with the women i’m closest too. Amethyst
Response:
Although you make some good points, the difference between your parents hosting your wedding and your mother hosting your shower is that one is expected to bring a gift to a shower. OTOH, although it is rude not to do so, one isn’t actually expected to bring a gift to a wedding. The whole point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts. It may seem like a gift grub for a mother to throw this type of party for her daughter. Besides, a shower need not cost much. The girls can made sandwiches and salads for lunch along with some punch (all reasonably low cost) and throw it at the home of the one of the girls. A small floral centerpiece should complete the expenses. Games (if you want them) can be done at no cost at all. If you have, say, 20 people at the shower, the entire thing can easily be done for under $200, which doesn’t work out to much at all when divided between a few girls. Finally, no one deserves to have a shower. Although it’s nice to have one (or more), it’s not necessary as part of being a bride and if it doesn’t work out that you can have one, you’ll still be married at the end of the process. — Melissa (03/18/01)
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The other item to note is that family never host showers for family > members. Even though it may not be so, it comes off as looking > terribly greedy. Best to politely decline the offer of this shower. If > they insist on hosting a party anyway, a non-gifting tea is quite > appropriate. > My situation is that I’m in my early 20’s and so are > my bridesmaids. And they are not financially able > to host a shower. And I never expected them to > go thru that expense since they are paying for their > bridesmaid dresses and shoes. > The last formal bridal shower I attended was hosted > and paid for by the "Mom" and the informal bridal > shower I attended was also hosted by the "Mom". > Its great if bridesmaids are able to give a shower. > But thats not always possible. I don’t think there’s > anything "wrong" with a family member hosting it. > Why should I miss out on having a bridal shower > just b/c my friends can’t afford to host one? > Also parents typically host the wedding where > guests are expected to bring gifts…..so a shower > isn’t different from that. Etiquette may say that > family members shouldn’t host a shower – but > in my experience its been the family’s that pay > for it. > Amethyst
Response:
> The other item to note is that family never host showers for family > members. Even though it may not be so, it comes off as looking > terribly greedy. Best to politely decline the offer of this shower. If > they insist on hosting a party anyway, a non-gifting tea is quite > appropriate.
My situation is that I’m in my early 20’s and so are my bridesmaids. And they are not financially able to host a shower. And I never expected them to go thru that expense since they are paying for their bridesmaid dresses and shoes. The last formal bridal shower I attended was hosted and paid for by the "Mom" and the informal bridal shower I attended was also hosted by the "Mom". Its great if bridesmaids are able to give a shower. But thats not always possible. I don’t think there’s anything "wrong" with a family member hosting it. Why should I miss out on having a bridal shower just b/c my friends can’t afford to host one? Also parents typically host the wedding where guests are expected to bring gifts…..so a shower isn’t different from that. Etiquette may say that family members shouldn’t host a shower – but in my experience its been the family’s that pay for it. Amethyst
Response:
I know I am the only one saying this – I have seen on numerous shower invitations (wedding and baby) in small print at the bottom "The couple is registered at Macy’s, Foley’s, etc" . I have seen it on people that did not follow etiquette and on those that followed it to a "t". I do not think it hurts at all, and as a guest, I know I am going to this shower to bring this person a gift and wish them well. It is that much easier on me for it to be listed already. I wouldn’t use the insert card, although I am sure that is what the store would love for you to do. I totally agree on the shower thing – oh, and also remember it is polite to get a gift for the person that hosted your shower afterwards… have flowers sent, get a nice piece of crystal, whatever… just something that shows your appreciation.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi >My mom and aunt are planning my bridal shower. >I have a question about the invitations – is it okay >to put in registry cards? >I’ve received them from the stores my FI and I >registered at but don’t know if they should be >put in with the bridal shower invites or not. > There’s no such thing as a registry card. However, if you’re talking > about those business sized cards which say "we’re registered at…" > then the only purpose those serve is bird cage lining. Registry > information is only given when specifically asked and not one moment > before. > The other item to note is that family never host showers for family > members. Even though it may not be so, it comes off as looking > terribly greedy. Best to politely decline the offer of this shower. If > they insist on hosting a party anyway, a non-gifting tea is quite > appropriate. > Hope this helps, > Noe
Response:
Thanks T Flynn & Ericka for responding. I didn’t know if registry cards were a new trend or not…..b/c its been a few years since I last attended a formal bridal shower. Now I know not to use them =) Amethyst
Response:
> Now I know not to use them =)
I’m sure we could all come up with lots of great uses. Obvious: Cat box nudger. Blotting paper when putting on matte lipstick. Trowel for very small drywall repairs. Come on! It’s fun!
Response:
>Hi >My mom and aunt are planning my bridal shower. >I have a question about the invitations – is it okay >to put in registry cards? >I’ve received them from the stores my FI and I >registered at but don’t know if they should be >put in with the bridal shower invites or not.
There’s no such thing as a registry card. However, if you’re talking about those business sized cards which say "we’re registered at…" then the only purpose those serve is bird cage lining. Registry information is only given when specifically asked and not one moment before. The other item to note is that family never host showers for family members. Even though it may not be so, it comes off as looking terribly greedy. Best to politely decline the offer of this shower. If they insist on hosting a party anyway, a non-gifting tea is quite appropriate. Hope this helps, Noe
Response:
> My mom and aunt are planning my bridal shower. > I have a question about the invitations – is it okay > to put in registry cards? > I’ve received them from the stores my FI and I > registered at but don’t know if they should be > put in with the bridal shower invites or not.
I’ve found the best use for "registry cards" is when I need a little something extra to nudge the used cat litter out of the box. Registry information is never offered; it’s only given upon request, and since that’s such an interpersonal situation, it wouldn’t make sense to whip out a commercial advertisement.
Response:
> My mom and aunt are planning my bridal shower. > I have a question about the invitations – is it okay > to put in registry cards?
No. *If* people want to know where you’re registered (and traditionally, registries weren’t much used for shower gifts, which are suppoed to be small), they’ll ask when they respond to the invitation. Also, *if* she wants to be strictly proper, your mother should not be listed as a host of the shower (though she can certainly help out). The theory is that she’s too closely related to you for it to look good for her to issue invitations to a party for which the specific purpose is to shower her daughter with gifts. Best wishes, Ericka
Response:
Hi My mom and aunt are planning my bridal shower. I have a question about the invitations – is it okay to put in registry cards? I’ve received them from the stores my FI and I registered at but don’t know if they should be put in with the bridal shower invites or not. Thanks! Amethyst
Response:
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